Difference Between 'Wanting to' and 'Having to'

"My English classes are not compulsory classes" I told the kids of grade 6.
"You are free to walk out if you dont feel like attending my classes. You are free to pursue what you like. It could be dance, art, music or sports. "
I could see the astonishment on their faces. Some faces showed that they were sure I was crazy. Some more felt it a welcome change from the previous teachers, at least they would be able to get out of the class without having to make the efforts of trying to be punished!!!!
I was fortunate enough to work in a very non-conventional school for the past one year. It gave me the freedom to say this to my students. It also made my mind broader towards the field of child education. The Director of the organisation is a unique human being. He once told me about a theory of 'Push and Pull'.
The theory was simple; it said that it was same as 'Wanting to' and 'Having to'. There is a vast difference in pushing people towards the goal and pulling them towards it. People who are pushed have to be pushed till they reach the goal. Mind you, they need the push continously. But those who are pulled towards the goal can be set free and yet they will reach their goal.
I used it in education.
It was my constant effort to make the children genuinely interested in the subject I taught. As a trainer in the school once said,"The children need to know why they are learning what they are learning." Hence I tried to make my classes interesting and ones that involved a lot of practical work. It was a challenge to prepare mundane topics in english in a way that would make every child curious enough to learn it.
I dont know how well I succeeded. But I do remember that at the end of a particular class one of my students said, "This is the first time I feel that I dont need the Sports class, I would rather sit in the English class."
Hope I am able to convert the children who need to be pushed into children who are pulled towards their goals.

My Intuitions

Do you ask yourself whether to or not to do a particular thing before doing it???
And what if your heart tells you its okay, but your brain tells you that its not????
Would you rather listen to your heart or your brain? And in either which way, face the consequences???????
There are times in life when you just cant seem to make up your mind. Its just one of those times in a person's life which are so difficult to handle and yet so difficult to let go.......
And what if you eventually listen to someone(either your heart or your brain) and decide accordingly, but end up having an intuition about doing the exact opposite of what you decided??????????
Its that small little voice within you that sort of guides you. Do you listen to it? Or do you ignore it?????

Dress Code

"Is there a dress code that has to be followed here?" I asked with bated breath.
"Oh yes, Sarees are a must."
.................
WHY?????????????? I wanted to shout at the person on the other side of the desk, but I didn't.
I was sitting in the office of the principal of a school. This was the fifth school I had visited to give in my application for the post of an English Teacher. All of them had made it crystal clear to me that sarees happened to be a compulsory dress code for a teacher. Imagine what it must have done to someone like me, who feels totally out of place in a saree, who cant even walk properly in it and who is not at all herself in it.........
The worst thing was that I couldnt forsake the chance to do the best thing I loved; teaching, just coz I was expected to dress myself in a five and a half metre garment that I found extremely uncomfortable.
I remembered what my aai(mom) used to tell me, ' don't ever say that you don't like a particular thing, eventually that is what you will end up having to do.' It was so right in this particular situation. It definitely increased my respect for aai a threefold.
Well, now I had the mammoth task of buying a few sarees that could be draped easily. Cottons was out of the question coz they were high maintainance and very difficult to dress up in. And it wasnt the end of it all, after the saree was bought, it had to have a matching blouse which had to be stitched. Not to mention all the other accessories that have to accompany the saree..
But I was still fighting with myself over the school's role to make this sort of a dress code. Their idea of this dress code was to avoid any teacher dressing in an indecent manner. So evidently, they thought that saree was a very decent attire. I am sure Sushmita Sen as the sexy, saree clad chemistry teacher in 'Main Hu Na' would prove them totally wrong, wat say???
But what if a teacher came clad in a saree but was unable to teach well??? Time and again I thought that if I had posed that question to the authorities they would have said that it was okay as long as she had draped herself in a saree!!!!!!!!
'Help me!!!! Some one help me.' was all I could think of doing.
After a lot of thinking and a lot of debates with myself and my near and dear ones, I decided to look at the brighter side of it all - This might be the only way that would make me learn how to carry myself in a saree. So wish me luck and dont you dare come visit me in school to see my plight, at least for a few months till I am able to get better at it. Ha Ha.

I dread of hurting someone all the time.......

The recent controversy over a line in a song in the latest movie named 'Nach Le' made me write this post.
Due to one particular line in a song, the movie was actually banned in Uttar Pradesh and Punjab!! It is said to contain a derogatory remark on a particular community. I mean, who would take it, if you say bad things about their religion, their caste??? Maybe it doesnt hurt so much right now, coz its not my community they are demeaning. But, to be very true, my sentiments towards my religion, my caste, my colour and my country on the whole are not so easily shaken or disturbed. Just coz some one else says bad things about a particular thing, doesnt mean that I should be affected by it.
I mean, come on, has our sentiment, feeling for that subject become so fickle, and so brittle, that it can be broken and hurt by something so small and insignificant????????

In India, now a days, it has become so easy to wage a war. A war that will not be fought between two countries, but a war that will be fought within the country. It is so easy to ignite tension, and so easy to make us; the people of a country that prides itself for its 'Unity in Diversity' notion, to fight amongst ourselves.
The reasons are so petty at times, that one wonders what made all this happen! And please, lets not keep blaming the damn politicians. I am not saying they are not at fault. But hey, have your and my ideologies become so weak, that a few selfish politicians can shake them and hurl them into the space???????????
I wish there was a more subtle and yet powerful way of putting across this issue. I wish that the politicians had the decency(very rarely found in this breed) to give an opportunity to the movie makers(in this particular incident) to make amends.
But alas, what am I expecting here, and from whom...........
But, we as the people of the nation should have the right to 'not accept' this and do what is correct. Hope we all have the courage to do it.

Believer or Non-Believer

I dont know why but it has always been traumatising for me to go to a temple. I am awkward and I never really know what to do there. I see people around me have a million things to do there. They are eager and willing to talk to 'God'. They have a thousand things to ask Him. But me...... I am speechless. Most of the times I am trying to figure out what is the right way to do things in the temple. For example, with which finger does one apply the kumkum to the idol or which hand is to be used to take the prasad, etc. And how many times I try to learn it, I always end up forgetting it!
But, is it that important?????? I wonder......
I feel that people go to the temple because they feel that God resides there. But I totally disagree. God may reside there, but he also happens to reside in other things, times. So a temple cannot be the only place for God, can it???? I wonder.......
For those who do believe in the existence of 'God' have a comparitively easy life to lead. Why?you ask me??
Well, if there are problems, 'God' is always there to help. There is a certain constancy in the faith that people have in 'God'. It makes their own burden a little less. Its like relying on some 'higher' force.
Comparitively, my life is tough. I blame only and only myself for all the wrong things that happen to me. I dont blame 'God' or anyone else for it. If there are problems, I deal with them alone. I dont go to 'God's' residence(temple) to plead for a way out. I dont even go there to find peace. If peace is what I am looking for, I find it in many other things.
Hmmm...
Am I wrong in listening to my common sense and in my beliefs? Am I rude in thinking that there is no 'God' that helps people out of their problems, or who brings about miracles? Am I too inexperienced to deny the existence of such a force? I wonder.....
I came across a poem by one of the contemporary poets of marathi literature. According to him, when a non-believer stands outside the temple, he gives a chance for 'God' to come out of his dwelling to meet him. And its a pleasant respite for 'God' that there is a man who is able to lift his burden on his own shoulders instead of putting it onto 'God's' shoulders.......
Wow!!! What a thought!!!!!! I totally agree. : )

Children Are So Pure....

mWhat I am about to write here is a mail sent by a student. This was sent after I left the school. I am not putting this mail to show off anything more than trying to establish how a child's mind works. She happened to have a bit of a tough time at school for having acted like a child. And the question she asked me was ---- "Cant I ever be a child?"
You give them love and you get it back.......
She studies in Grade 8 right now. Here is the email she wrote to me. The reply I wrote to her follows her mail.

hey!
long time no see! how are u managing with the pups and yana? guess what! iv got a kind of revelation (if i may use that word).......
It was torture to let you go (not that we could do anything about it!) and before we could adjust to your absence we got this new teacher who is SO different from you. We cursed the management for making her our class teacher and everybody disliked her.The 7th sympathised with us on our bad luck (what else would one call it other than extreme bad luck?) and we found our history lessons WAY too boring (since she was teaching it). It seemed like she was bringing down everything u made and i don't mean the charts! Her rules started to seem crazy.....she was the worst! we all had a tough time trying to adjust to her. For me everything started going downhill from the time you left and i blamed her for it. It seemed (and still does seem) like all the teachers had put me in abdullah's category........u know the indiscipline category..........but they seemed to like nisha a lot which made me depressed (i get depressed very easily u c)......it isn't because nisha shouldn't b better than me....I'm not like that!
When the t-shirt writing incident happened we all wished u were there....especially me! everyone was upset about being shifted to the first floor and even though they were nice enough not to scream at me i knew they all were mad at me. i felt terrible! i missed u SO much and hated her SO much. a few days ago i saw her( my class teacher) smiling and it surprised me. the first thought that came to my mind was '"oh my gosh! she can smile!" and she started to loosen up a bit and started to have a funny bone. You know the thing is no one can suddenly grow a funny bone over a month, a year may be, but not a month.
i think if i could have loosened up sooner maybe i would have been able notice her sweet smile sooner. i told my self i would always look to the brighter side and i would try to adjust to situations sooner and i told myself i wouldn't be a stick in the mud n i so was..... she is totally different from what u are n i don't expect her to be and even if I'm not the favourite student,even though i might get in trouble, even though i may not b an A+ grade student, even though your no more in IWS, even though i might be an outcast I WILL SURVIVE!

My reply to her mail:

Hey Maya,
I feel so proud of you right now. I just read the email. I think you have expressed what you feel so well.
I feel so bad that I left the school. I was around children like you and the others in the school, and I feel bad that I left you.....
I completely understand what you are going through. And I wish I was there to stand by your side, physically. But even if that is not possible, I am there with you, always.
If you remember, I had told you to see what is good in everyone and every situation. You have been able to do that. And that is one reason why I am proud of you.
About everyone liking Nisha----
I know you are good by heart, so I will never presume that you are jealous or anything like that. But I empathise with you when you tell me the situation you are in - when people like your friend better than they like you. But dont ever let it get to you. You are a gem, dont forget that.

Abdullah......... he is a good boy, just wanting to be in the limelight at times, gets him into trouble. Thats all. : ) But children of your age ought to be like all of you. There is nothing wrong in what you all are. At least I believe that.
And I am so glad that you found a good side to your new class teacher. All of us have bad and good sides to us. It is on an individual to try and see and take in the good, and leave out the bad. And you did it!!!
She must have had to go through a rough time too. She had to take over a class who was so fond of me......
So fond, that it never saw my flaws, so fond that it kept finding me in your class teacher and other teachers, and when it ( your class) didnt find me, it felt lonely and missed me much more......
I feel so bad right now, for leaving such wonderful kids like you......
But I know you are strong, and as you said, you will survive.
Let me tell you, you have much more in you than you think you have. okay? So dont ever, I mean EVER feel low or less important. After all, you have to compete with none other than yourself in life.
Grades(marks) are not the only thing that decides who is a good or a bad student, so take it out of your head that grades are important.
And please keep writing to me. I would be so lost without your mails. I mean it.
You enjoy life and dont be depressed at all, there is no reason for you to be. ta ta. and love you lots : )
-suma

Tell Me Why......

A few days back I had decided that I would learn how to swim. Dhiraj is a great swimmer. So I needed no other coach. We decided to go to the pool after my school. I bought the swimming costume. I put it on and stood in front of the mirror hoping that it dint make me look pathetic. After I got over the initial shock of looking at myself in that skin tight thing, I summed up enough courage to go swimming with my husband, who had to be a supportive husband as well as a swimming coach for me.
The first few days were good. I liked the whole thing a lot. But then there came a time when Dhiraj told me to stop taking the support of the Float and try gliding on my own.
That was when I chickened out. I tried it for a few times, but I just kept going down. Dhiraj kept telling me that I was at the side of the pool where the depth of the water was only about 4 feet. So I could stand up if anything went wrong. But I just couldn’t do it. Didn’t have a clue as to what was stopping me. I could understand what Dhiraj was telling me to do, I realized that unless I let go, I won’t be able to do it. I also understood the mechanics of it. But I couldn’t glide, no matter what.
I stopped going for swimming from that day. It makes me feel like a loser when I say it. But yes, I have not gone back to it again.
I think I have totally forgotten how I learnt to ride a cycle. It must have been traumatic to try and balance and ride it. A ten year old child, learning how to keep her balance and move ahead….. Must have been difficult, I presume.
There must have been the fear of falling; always. But then how did I learn to ride a cycle????? I don’t remember the way I learnt it. But I remember that once I knew how to, I used to keep riding it whenever I could get the time to. I used to go round the colony road endlessly. Never felt tired or bored of it at that time.
So why couldn’t I learn to swim??? Why couldn’t I sum up the courage to just let go…….
Has my age become a barrier?? Or has the time I spent ‘living’ life till now, caused a wall of caution to stop me from anything that might ‘hurt’??????
I wonder……