2010....

The later part of this year taught me a very important lesson. A lesson that only life can teach one.
I learnt that one has to be diplomatic in relationships....
Till now, I always believed that in relationships as close as a husband and wife's relation, one should just be open and free. I believed that communication was a key to a happy relationship. Alas, I was wrong. I understood that even if I felt a particular thing, its not a very good idea to just blurt it out. That I should keep it in my heart, ponder over it and the best thing to do with it was to keep it to myself....
I think in my head, I live in an ideal world. A world which believes in virtues like honesty, sincerity, hardwork and truth. That world inside me believes in love that lasts forever and a love that is selfless and pure. It may be that of a brother and sister or a husband and wife.

It hurts me to know that I need to diplomatic in relationships. It really does hurt me a lot. I wish things were different. I wish all was more open and pure. I wish.....

Questions my heart asks and my head cant ans....

Why do we have to be diplomatic even when it comes to relations between one's spouse, one's parents, one's cousins.....
Whats the harm in calling a spade a spade?? What if i open my heart to the people who are close to me? Why should i think twice before opening up to the closest people in my life? I get a feeling that one is alone, no matter how loving one's family is, no matter how caring they are... one is always alone, always.
Why is it so difficult to take decisions? Why does one person work so hard at a relationship and the other just doesnt care? Why should one have to stay in a relationship if one is not appreciated, loved??
I hate being taken for granted. i hate being there all the time without any appreciation, love and care. I am tired of expecting all the time, and receiving very little in return.
Why should i have to explain the meaning and depth of a family to someone? Why should i take the pains of going thru this when the other person seems least interested?????
i guess its love that binds all this. i guess, its nothing but sheer, selfless love that has kept me going. Alone i am but am still at it and i just dont seem to have the heart to break free.......

I am knocking on a door that i know wont open....

i remember the time when i was continuously ridiculed by any and everyone.
I distinctly remembering that i was a good for nothing.
That part of my life has screwed up my life for good i think.
And i still dread that time.
But something tells me that its that time again......

I either go through it somehow or its the end for me.
I need to get a hold of myself. I need to control my life.
I need to set my priorities right.
I just need to live, thats all.
Big questions in my mind right now.
Big questions with no answers, if there are answers to the questions, they are somewhere in the future.
I will be going on a road that i dont know the destination to...
there are a million things that my heart is dealing with right now.
one cant possibly imagine wat is going on in my head at the moment.
one thing is sure.....
i have to do something.
otherwise i will go mad.
i know i will....
the question is whether i can survive this....

i need to stop knocking at a door that wont open...

move on, move on, move on.........

The recent German Bakery bomb blast has created a massive impact on the people. Never really imagined Pune being targetted. Funny though, coz no one seems to be able to figure out the real motive of these blasts. I wonder who really plans all these blasts and how do they decide where and how such blasts would take place.
The newspapers are full of daily 'updates' on the blasts and the blast victims. The condition of the injured is described in detail. A young techie's leg has been amputated, his body was full of sharpnel, the foreign particles have penetrated his stomach and he is on antibiotics......

A person's whole life would change. Imagine the trauma he feels when he realises that one of his legs is amputated.........
And there are hundreds and thousands of such lives that have changed for the worse because of these blasts in various parts of the world. At the end of it all, does one really understand or want to understand the reasons behind these attacks?? What do these terrorists want??

Recently read the latest book by Dan Brown. The author has brought forth a funda that if an idea is thought of collectively by many people, it has chances of resulting into reality!!!
I immediately linked it to what my mom says. She says that her life has been good because she had the backing/support/blessings of many people who saw her struggling to give her kids a good life. She says that one's efforts and luck are not the only things that make one's life a good one. The role of others blessings and prayers have a lot to do with our life turning out to be good.

And if that holds true, with so much of hatred and anguish and hurt, is it possible for the terrorists to win their so called battle??????
The other day I fell short of Rs 7 for buying ice cream. the vendor had already packed the ice-cream. He told me that I could give the remaining money some other time. I went back home, got the money and gave him the amount that was due. In my mind, I was sure that if I hadnt given him the money, I wouldnt have been able to eat the ice-cream in peace. Those 7 bucks due would have spoilt the fun of my ice-cream....
And here are people killing other people for their gain......... however important/significant the cause may be, but nothing would justify the killing of so many innocent people.
How do these terrorists sleep at night?????
No place is a safe place these days. And most importantly, life itself has become so cheap. My mind reaches out to those whose lives change so drastically and so tragically. A husband, a wife, a son, a daughter, a parent.......... all with a wound that is so damn difficult to heal.